I think it’s good to embrace change. Not just to accept that things are different now, and that they will never be the same. I mean to embrace the idea of moving on from what you have grown accustomed to, whether it was reality, or perhaps your own skewed impression of it, toward something that could really be good. To embrace the possibility that things could be great after this, even if “this” was a complete disruption of what you had planned, in your perfect little world. I’m talking about actively trying to make life good. We have that choice, don’t we? To make it good? To decide to pluck the last cells of life from the scorched wreckage of what may have felt like a cold death of the life that we knew, or of the ideas about ourselves or our circumstances that seemed good to us, and to decide which parts are worth carrying with us into the next phase, in the interest of enjoying it to the fullest.
I am almost done with house arrest. It has been almost one year. I have fifty-one days left to go. I feel so close to it. To be honest, getting closer to the end has scared me a little, because I know that it also marks the beginning of something I have yet to know.
I have changed so much over these years and in these months. My criminal record changed, too. I have one now. My ability to vote changed. I no longer have it. My freedom to do as I please, and to go as I please, has been stifled. However, I am about to get many of these freedoms back. For that, I am grateful.
I like to externalize change. I always have. It helps things feel fresh to me. For example, I am constantly rearranging my apartment furniture. I once spent an exhausting, house-arrested afternoon trying to fit my futon into my kitchen. It made a lot of sense at the time. Alas, it didn’t fit through the door frame, and I had to give up, short of a decision to dismember it. I moved on and rearranged my vanity corner instead.
Now, as I find myself in the midst of some of the biggest change of my life, I decided that I needed an especially big change… A big, blonde one.
With the help of a very resourceful, talented stylist named Amy (at Jessica’s From Sunset on Larchmont Blvd.), I went from brunette to blonde all within the small hours of an afternoon Earned Leave last Wednesday. I have a follow-up appointment this Wednesday to do some finishing touches on the color that would have been impossible to do last week, given the time constraints.
I’ve never been blonde before now, and it has indeed been a huge change for me. I’m still getting used to what I see when I look in the mirror. I posted a photo on Facebook to debut my new look to friends. I had someone from my home town ask me in a comment, “Is this for a new role?” When I read what she wrote, all I could think was, “Yes. Yes, it is.”
51 days to go.